Humor

[Tero]

At www.miami.com, Dave Barry reports on new wedding trends:

Speaking of things going bang: We need to straighten out a common wedding misconception concerning rice. Somehow, a rumor got started that you should not throw rice at the bride and groom, because if birds eat the rice, it swells up in their stomachs, and they (the birds) explode.

Well, guess what? According to the Internet -- and if we can't trust the Internet, who the hell can we trust? -- birds do NOT explode from eating rice. Avocados, yes; that is exactly why we do not throw avocados at the bride and groom. But rice is fine, except of course for the carbohydrates.

Unfortunately, many brides believe the exploding-bird myth, and so, as an alternative to throwing rice, they have come up with a new, and truly alarming, tradition: Releasing live butterflies at weddings. I am not making this trend up. There are butterfly-breeding farms that ship boxes of butterflies, at about $10 per head of butterfly, to weddings all over the country. That's correct: We have reached the point, in this once-great nation, where people are paying to have insects at their weddings. What's next? Colorful snakes?

Yeah, birds will eat anything. If they ate too much it comes out the way it went in.

[Sipriina]

Well, well, well.... You Americans can't even spell right! Humor is spelt humour in the good old motherland. Got it? :D

[Tero]

I'll have to get Ville to change the titel of the forum to In American. ;)

A bass player and a guitarist were walking around in coastal Finland. The guitarist said, "look, a dead bird." The bass player said "where, where?", while looking up in the sky.

[Tero]

Top Ten Questions You're Afraid To Ask Condoleezza Rice


10. "Did Bush ever hurt himself trying to pronounce your name?"

9. "At cabinet meetings, who besides you and Cheney wear lipstick?"

8. "Do you know Leeza Gibbons?"

7. "Do you own a condo?"

6. "Did you ever try the 'Condoleezza Rice' at Chi-Chi's?"

5.

4. "Hey, where'd you get that cool Halliburton sweatshirt?"

3. "Who told CNN that Letterman faked the footage of the bored kid next to Bush?"

2. "About those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction -- did you check Baghdad Mini-Storage?"

1. "What kind of job will you and Bush be looking for in January 2005?"

[Tero]

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/comics/Baby_Blues.dtl

[Tero]

http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mrideshotgun.html

and we have Boy Scouts, in the 1200s it was different
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/040409.html

[Zzeus11]

We live here. We are called British people. Find out all about us and the way we live!







http://www.brookview.karoo.net/BFA/index.htm

---As you can see, London is a large city. Nearly all the people in Britain live there. There are other places in Britain - for example, Manchester, Birmingham and Scotland. These place names are all commonly spelt with "near London", such as "Edinburgh, near London". People who don't live in London are called "provincials", and are not allowed to meet the Queen or get married. Their suicide rate is high.

[Tero]

:rollin:
http://www.brookview.karoo.net/BFA/music.htm

[Sipriina]

I say, old chap, a jolly good link! One had quite a laugh..... :rollin:

[Tero]

Rummy is human after all!
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4015

[Tero]

Women always have to move the remaining baked goods onto a smaller plate
http://www.helsinginsanomat.fi/kuvat/iso_webkuva/1076152446427.gif

Of course, guys have approximately 2 plates, one fork, one spoon, one knife and several beer glasses* in their first household. Both plates are dinner size. Coffee mug, one plate serves as saucer.

*Or, if they prefer cans, no glasses.

[Tero]

Tallahassee, FL – Teenager forced to listen to burned CD’s. Fred Lamphrey, 18, was forced to take a portable CD player and start listening to the 300 CDR’s he burned over the last two semesters from friends and down-loads. This came about when his CD burner quit working. "Some of these starting out bands give out free songs, and most of them are crap. But I have all this cool stuff from the 60s, like the Dead, Yes, Cream and even bands that sing like in French or something. One is Russian, I think. But the 60s were really cool, psychedelic. My dad just had The Monkees and Beach Boys and the usual Stones and Beatles. I burned those too, over Christmas break."

[Tero]

http://www.njet.net/njet/forum/thread.phtml?msg=44398

[Tero]

Submarine mystery explained
http://plus.kaleva.fi/plusmedia/img/jari/plus_jari_20040415.gif

(liquor transport)

[Tero]

These thingies in e mail >>>>>
>>
>>line
>>line2
are apparently called carrots
http://brazzell.com/CarrotStop/

[Tero]

http://www.helsinginsanomat.fi/kuvat/iso_webkuva/1076152497839.gif

[Jaana2]

Töissä tänään, juttelin hra Pasquierin kanssa, ja lausuin hänen nimensä oikein :) ranskalaisittain, johon hän totesi, että "you must have got fine European education because you know how to pronounce my name" ..
:rollin: :rollin:

[Eija]

:rollin: :laugh: heh heh heh heh... hoh hohho hoh... hah hah... vatsaan koskee... :D

Paras juttu aamulla on haistella ihanaa Kosta Riikan kahvin tuoksua, kuunnella lintujen viserrystä ja avata silmiään Etusivun viestiä lukien... :D

[tiajohanna]

:rollin: :laugh: heh heh heh heh... hoh hohho hoh... hah hah... vatsaan koskee... :D

Paras juttu aamulla on haistella ihanaa Kosta Riikan kahvin tuoksua, kuunnella lintujen viserrystä ja avata silmiään Etusivun viestiä lukien... :D

Samoin, Eija, sillä erolla että minun kahvini on kotoisin Antiguasta, Guatemalasta. Se panamalainen Café Ruíz-kahvi loppui eilen niin piti käydä kaupungista (Tukholman keskustassa Sibyllegatanilla) ostamassa uutta "suoraan tuotua kahvia". En tiedä onko ollenkaan "reilua" mutta ihanan makuista kummiskin. :rolleyes:

[Eija]

Juu, Tia, pakko tunnustaa, Guatan kahvi on ihan hyvaa. ;) Ihan tosi!

Jaanan hyva ranskankielen lausunta nauratti niin makeasti, ettei KR-kahviini tarvinnut lisata sokeria ollenkaan! :D

[sininen]

A bass player and a guitarist were walking around in coastal Finland. The guitarist said, "look, a dead bird." The bass player said "where, where?", while looking up in the sky.

Not funny, Tero

Bass Player's wife

[Tuomo]

Sininen: The joke is referring to the players of electronic bass guitar, not double bass.

[Tero]

Sini, electric bass players have to put up with with jokes, as well as drummers. Sort of the blondes of the rock music world.

http://lists.bnl.gov/pipermail/bnl-musicclub-l/2002-February/000172.html

[sininen]

Ok, boys. :devil:

[Tero]

from Steven Wright,, some comedian

1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3) Half the people you know are below average.

4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

[Tero]

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/

#3
:rollin:

[Tero]

It was yesterday, I forget what. Today

Top Ten Way Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 67th Birthday

9. Visits from wives 1, 3 and 12 and Sean Penn

8. Arranged fleas on his chest to form number "67"

7. Thanked Allah he wasn't drafted by the San Diego Chargers

6. Wondered why Uday and Qusay haven't called

5. Spent a little time in the "spider-hole," if you know what I mean

4. Folded old death warrants into festive birthday hats

3. Cellmate popped out of giant falafel

2. Realized he's one year closer to going to hell

1. Pretty much just sat there

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/

[Tero]

Grandma pens football song

Mama Jean: Carl Lawson used to sing with Bob Kuban. Bob used to sing at Rams games, but they didn't renew his contract because Kurt Warner didn't like him. [Higgins says Warner had nothing to do with Kuban's exit.] I don't sing.

Why not?

Because I'm 84 and I've used my life yelling at my four kids so much that I don't have a voice anymore.

Do you like bratwurst?

Sure, that's why I put brats in my song: [sings] "Buy me a soda and brats as well...."
http://www.riverfronttimes.com/issues/2004-04-28/unreal.html/1/index.html

[Tero]

How many country/folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Five, one to change and four to sing about how much they will miss the old one.

[hollerissaelaja]

http://buddydon.blogspot.com/

What's most scary I can actually read it! :rollin:

[Tero]

Dave says he tends to be hard on our president, George W. Bush. It’s the President’s job to represent Americans and many around the world; it’s Dave’s job to make fun of them. Tonight we have something called, “What the Hell is George W. Bush Talking About?”

From a May 13th appearance at a West Virginia High School.

“Our panelists are about to fall out wondering is (sic) the old guy said to me, ‘You’re just not a potted plant.’”
Dave wants to see the clip again, pointing out the moment the President experiences raw panic when he loses his train of thought. Dave can understand the panic felt by the President as he too has found himself in similar positions in the past.
:rollin:

[Hemppa]

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH:

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here! We can tell!

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in 'big ol truck' or 'big ol boy'.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.



If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens...

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. "Dang it, it sure is cold out, y'all!"

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.

Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y'all! Ack!

:D

[hollerissaelaja]

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
In rural Appalachia, it's y'uns (plural, both nominative and possessive), like "Y'uns et' yet?" or "'S the'at thar y'uns dawg?" :)

[Zzeus11]

NOBEL'S NEW LEFTY
The Nobel Prize in literature has gone to Elfriede Jelinek, whom the Associated Press calls an "Austrian feminist writer." One of her masterworks is described this way: "The novel, and the film, tells the story of a veteran piano teacher, Erika, a harsh and demanding taskmistress who indulges her extreme sexual tastes with hardcore pornography and voyeurism. She becomes sexually involved with a student - but only under her terms and dictates." Here's more: "She had a best seller in 1989 with 'Lust,' which she has described as portraying 'the violence by the man against the woman' in a conventional marriage."

[Tero]

Paul says that he was such a big fan of the TV show "Frasier" that he decided to start seeing a therapist. After his first visit, the female psychiatrist suggested he come 3 times a week. So he did. And every time for 8 months, 3 times a week, the psychiatrist would start the session with "Would you care for some coffee?" Every time. Finally after 8 months, Paul decided to confront her. "For 8 months I've been telling you I don't drink coffee, yet you ask me if I want coffee before every session." The psychiatrist says she doesn't really remember what one client says from the next. Paul decided this would be a good time to get up and get out.
Two months after that, he finds out that the psychiatrist was now working as a stewardess, seeing patents on the side. Paul says he lives in fear that she'll come up to him on a flight and say, "Would you care for some coffee?"
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/exclusives/wahoo/

[Tero]

http://plus.kaleva.fi/cf/indexjari.html?ts=040819

(nothing)

[Jaana2]

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny
stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."*

"Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"*

===CHILDREN'S SERMON===*

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg He pointed
at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?"*

"I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"*

===MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL===*

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprisedgroom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support
your daughter. The rest of you will have! to fend for yourselves."*

===JUST CURIOUS===*

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"*

===THE TITHING===*

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed
around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said
loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy I'm under five."*

===THE BLESSING===*

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"*

===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===*

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you, "the little boy said to his grandmother on
his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick hehas been promising us. The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard! him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again",the little boy answered.*

=== The Mood Ring ===*

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.*

=== The Water Pistol ===*

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.* I was not so pleased.* I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."*

=== Half Price ===*

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied
their husbands on business trips.Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR
department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed! their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"*

=== Life After Death ===*

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything
just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."*



:)

[cosmichd]

POLISH DIVORCE

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. That is, until one day when he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with three bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have a hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she is white."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She is going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read; it says, 'Polish Remover'.

[Hemppa]

HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California 's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria
and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions
to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine

[Tero]

Eikun Iran... :shock:

[Hemppa]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . having friends.

At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

[Tero]

A man comes to the doctor's office:
"Doctor, you got to help me! I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!!"

Doctor:
"Calm down. You just have to be a little patient."

[cosmichd]

http://users.utu.fi/~mijosi/OmatKoiratII/IMG_3631.JPG http://home.earthlink.net/~ginger3658/chance/album13.jpg (http://www.ourbirchwood.org/)

[Hemppa]

cosmic's pictures are too cute!

[Jaana2]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
(Controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said... "Clean my house."

[tiajohanna]

:rollin:

[tiajohanna]

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking man on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

[Jaana2]

Hehehehheh..noi on tasan faktoja :D
Never leaves on time, unless you are running late...Jep jep.

[Tero]

:rollin:

[Tero]

Apologies for the word shag.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION Western suburbs style.... You have 2 stolen bulls but think they are cows You die the first time you try and milk them.

AN IRISH CORPORATION Who cares, The EU really owns them now and the pub is still serving

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. You don't know what they are used for as they aren't sheep. You shag them anyway.

[Eija]

Ain't it the Truth...?

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? ;)

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress $5000; Tux rental-$100.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. :D

[Tero]

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

I have invested a dollar in nail clippers.;)

[Eija]

:o

http://www.buzzardbros.com/gallery/albums/pictures/general/pic0192.jpg

[Tero]

Despite all their freedoms, or because of them, men have problems. According to Precious Ramotswe (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/037543335X/sr=8-2/qid=1153233294/ref=sr_1_2/104-0155255-0339955?ie=UTF8) it is men with their weaknesses that cause all problems in the world.:D

[Eija]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the
pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement
& announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New
Orleans....

[Eija]

Mrs President
During the depression a Minnesota Finn goes to the welfare office.
In order to collect welfare she needed to answer several questions.
When asked "Are you a resident"?
She replied, rolling her r's: "Me resident?"
"You razy, Roosevelt resident!"

[Eija]

Math education in USA

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish, greedy and inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha
hecho?

[Sipriina]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees


Ees


Ees


Eees a Ham Bush."

:D

[Tero]

Viivi is up to her usual furniture arrranging tricks
http://www.hs.fi/kuvat/iso_webkuva/1135227260978.gif
Wagner thinks the chair is where it originally started that day.

[Tero]

WASHINGTON, DC—Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' future was thrown further into jeopardy Friday when he was accidentally struck by a boom microphone, reversing a years-long case of amnesia and causing him to remember his true identity as hotshot Tulsa, OK pool and spa salesman "Cabana Al" Gonzales.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shaking_off_amnesia_gonzales

ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately singing along to every word of "Save Your Love," Great White's epic 1987 power ballad.

"He knew the whole thing, even after five boilermakers," bartender Bill Riggs said of Bonifer's flawless 5-minute, 46-second performance, during which he reportedly demonstrated admirable restraint by not staggering around the bar to get other patrons to sing with him. "He even knew the part where it goes 'so lock the door and throw away the key,' which I always thought was 'so rock me more and throw away the key.' Makes a lot more sense, actually."

Due to the way Bonifer moved his hands during the solo, bar patrons speculated that he might also be adept at playing the song on guitar

[wolle]

http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m283/wolle74/1135223299604.gif

[Tero]

weekly Onion pick
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27698
work safe, not offensive

[Inge]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money so she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"
she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it
to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.
On the card it was written:

......."Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce!"

[Eija]

......."Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce!"

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ah hah hah hah hah ha hahha hh ahhah ... pitelee vatsaansa... hahh ahha hik...

:laugh: :rollin: :D

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ah hah Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ah hah Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ah hah Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah ah hah... :wave:

[Tero]

Three Unitarian-Universalists arrive at the Pearly Gates, much to their own surprise and that of St. Peter, who upon checking his records realizes that these three people have led fully exemplary lives, they aren't Christian, and Heaven is only for Christians, and they shouldn't be up here in the first place.

But it's a slow day, and St. Peter is in a good mood. So he offers them a deal: "I'm going to ask each of you a question, and if you answer correctly, I'll let you into heaven. But if you get it wrong, to Hell with you." They figure this is as good a deal as they're likely to get, and so Peter asks the first one, "Explain the meaning of Easter.." The guy scratches his head, and says "Isn't that where there's a fat guy in a red suit with reindeer, and you get presents, and-- AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!" as St. Peter pushes the big red button and the poor fellow is hurled into the pits of Hell.

So Peter asks the second one the same question. She looks confused and then says, "Um, yeah, you've got this bunny hpping around hiding eggs under bushes, and-- AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!" as Peter hits the button again and she's cast down to the place of eternal damnation.

The third UU comes up and Peter asks him the same question. He's prepared for this, however- he took a Comparative Religions course through the RE department at his church, and he knows his stuff. "OK, Jesus was arrested in Gethsemane after Judas betrayed him, he was hauled before Pilate and sentenced to death, he was crucified on the Mount of Calvary and buried in a tomb with a rock rolled in front of the door--" Peter's relaxing, he's going to get to let someone in today, he's already reaching for the green button-- "and if he comes out and sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of winter, but-- AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!"
***
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found light bulbs work for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service. At this time we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[Sipriina]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the round. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

:D

[Tero]

"How Many Atheists Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?"

1 All of them! ONE to screw in the light bulb and 300 million to hold back all the theists trying to stop him because they want to remain in the dark!

2 One -- but he shouldn't bother because everyone else will just close their eyes."

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

[Inge]

How many blond girls does it take to change alight bulb?

None!


A) they only care about how they look or

B) The men do all the work for them !

[Tero]

random jokes from net, and other humor
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

country song titles
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

old laws still on books
13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry
out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of
sheep across London Bridge without being charged a
toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down
Cheapside.
9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on
Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed
weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the
city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a
Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he
is carrying a bow and arrow.

[Tero]

WASHINGTON—A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.

Since beginning two weeks ago, the deficit in these vernacular phrases has affected nearly every English speaker on the continent, making it virtually impossible to communicate symbolic ideas through a series of words that do not individually share the same meaning as the group of words as a whole. In what many are calling a cast-iron piano tune unlike any on record, idiomatic expression has been devastated nationwide.
"This is an absolute oyster carnival," said Harvard University linguistics professor Dr. Howard Albright, who noted that the 2008 idiom shortage has been the country's worst. "I don't know any other way to describe it."

Albright said that citizens in the South and West have been hit by the dearth of idioms like babies bite the bedpost, with people in those colorful expression–heavy regions unable to speak about anything related to rain storms, misers, sensations associated with nervousness, difficult or ironic predicaments, surprise at a younger relative's rapid increase in height, or love. In some areas, what few idioms remain are being bartered or sold at exorbitant prices. And, Albright claims, unless something is done before long to dry out the cinnamon jars, residents of Texas may soon cease speaking altogether.

"These people are desperate," said Albright, gesturing with his hands to indicate the severity of the problem there. "We've never seen anything like it. Some are being forced to choose between feeding their family and praising especially talented professional athletes. It's as if—it's really—it is bad."

With an emergency measure to release a pepper-stack of backup idioms into everyday speech still being debated in committee, Congress has been criticized for its inability to respond to the crisis. Moreover, a number of Beltway insiders have accused members of both houses of abusing their positions to gain access to hundreds of 1920s-era idioms that have been kept in reserve for decades.

"Well, bully," said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY), who claimed that the Capitol was not expecting a shipment of fresh idioms for weeks. "Americans have to collar all their jive, and take us cats at our word: Everything's copacetic, daddy-o, so don't flip your lids."

The White House has not yet issued a comment on the crisis.

While it has been difficult to determine the overall mood of average Americans, anecdotal evidence points to a growing discontent that ranges from trudging down the pudding skin to outright anger. In Philadelphia, 71-year-old Melvin Hatcher said he has found himself "egg-hooked" in conversation on a daily basis.

"These politicians want us to believe that throwing a few mud thrones at the problem is going to make it go away," said Hatcher, a retired African-American boxing trainer and World War II veteran. "They can make all the promises they want, but they will always remain a collection of deceitful people, if you'll pardon the expression."

Authorities said they expect the shortage to subside by April, but in the meantime, they urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until such time as the flypaper marigolds have a chance to waterfall—with or without a pole dragon's cottage—unless the cork and the bubble-truck tumble from the mountaintop, at which point, of course, old birds could light up every tuba tent and walleyed river king from 44 to the roller coaster.

[Sipriina]

A guy goes to a costume shop and says to the girl behind the counter, "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf."

The girl goes out back and comes back with a fig leaf.

He says, "That's not big enough!"

She returns with a bigger fig leaf.

He says, "Still not big enough!"

Finally she returns with a huge fig leaf.

Once again he says, "Still not big enough!"

She says to the guy, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

:allright:

[Tero]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use
to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start
with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START

[Tero]

http://assets.comics.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/200000/50000/5000/500/255541/255541.full.gif